Free Verse? Emotional Venting

Loneliness

Okay, I‘m transgender but what now? Who cares? Who is supposed to care now? Was that supposed to mean something to anyone besides me?

You never really know what loneliness is until you come out of the closet and have no support, no friends, no real family…nothing.

You can’t share how you feel about where you are in your current transition, things you fear, things you regret. Why? Because there is NO ONE.

I feel so alone in a house full of people. I don’t pass so I stay home, locked away in my room. I don’t talk to anyone, my voice is a dead give away if you haven’t seen my baby carrying hips. I can’t sleep. I either have nightmares or I have dreams where I’ve fully transitioned and never want to wake up.

I hate myself, I hate my body…my voice.

My parents don’t care, never made the effort, never will. They are phobic. My family has always side eyed me because I stick out. I have green hair, they say I look like a clown. I wear trendy joggers and matching shirts, they say I’m immature and need to dress like an adult. I gauged my ears, they said it was ugly and that it made me unattractive. That I could never look nice.

Why can’t they love me? Why can’t they accept that I’m not like everyone else? I’m not a clone. I wasn’t made from the same mold and I can’t fit in the box they force me in? Why am I never good enough for them? Why am I such a burden? Why don’t they think I will amount to anything? Why do they think that because I am different, no one will love or want me as I am?

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal?