Growth

All my life I have struggled with self-esteem. I've rarely gotten compliments, no one broke their neck trying to get a second look, never been cat-called (not that I want to), never been hit on, or anything of that nature. I can't even recall positive comments from my parents. I had no reason to think I was pretty or someone that anyone would be interested in. I was made to feel self-conscious about everything. "You're wearing that?" "You're not going anywhere with me looking like that." "Do something with your hair." "Put on some lipstick or something." The best one? "No man is going to want you looking like that." As if I had to look a certain way for a man versus looking good for myself.

I've never really had anyone in my corner. I was always put down so I put myself down. It didn't help that I was bullied. My mom had the nerve to say that maybe something I was doing was making them bully me. Really? Like I would ask the kids at school to bully me? Like I would purposely be different for them to notice me, endlessly bully, and harass me?

I'm grown and still struggling with those insecurities, but I'm making progress. I have to, for my 7-year-old daughter. If I can't find reasons to pick up my crown and hold my head higher when things don't go as planned, how will she? If not for myself, I need to do this for her. It hurts when she sees girls at school and want to look like them. I can't have her comparing herself to others as I did.

So, I've gained a lot of weight. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and continuing to emotionally eat, I've changed my diet. I freaking LOVE salads and smoothies! I bought new clothes. I want to feel good in the skin I'm in. I want to ooze confidence and body positivity. I want my daughter to see that and look up to that. I want us to not give a damn about what people think of us, our hair, our clothes, the way we walk, etc. 

Now, this photo is a current picture of me. I am 5ft 8in. and 220, I used to be 145. I no longer compare myself to girls that size or starve myself to look like them to feel pretty. I am rocking my curves and this curly hair! I don't stress over having the perfect beach body or what I can't wear because I'm bigger. I wear what I want that is my size and I own it! I'm still working on being a healthy weight but until then, I'm enjoying where I'm at. You should too, no matter what size you are. Enjoy your life, wear what you want, life's too short to dwell on the negativity.